Soul Patch


The Cast

Moi
SP, soulpatch, Patch, Elmer…I am the glue that holds stuff together at home, work, and an amazing amount of time in public (never should have got that 411 tattooed on my forehead). Notice I didn’t say goo, but there’s plenty of that to go around, too. Truthful (biting), witty (sarcastic), direct (caustic), verbose (wordy and opinionated), sensual (pervert to the N-th degree), smart (-er than George Bush), attractive (if you spell that h-a-i-r-y), and well-read (hasn’t missed the Sunday comics in decades).

Austin
Austin
The ball and chain, the wife, the “life partner” if you will (as in, “he got 25 to life…”). Why do the firecrackers fizzle? They always look so good at the store and start out fun when you light them, but they never last. And, yes, I do know that I married someone that looks a helluva lot like Nicollette Sheridan. OK, it is Nicollette. Just don’t tell the tabloids cuz Michael Bolton would be pissed and I’m not kind to paparazzi.

Denny
Denny
DEN = Dumb Eraser Nipples. This guy represents everything I hate about health clubs. Why don’t they screen these idiots out at the door? Two Three major complaints: doesn’t know how to use the equipment, is deaf as a doorknob (do you not hear the damn bells telling you to grab the feckin heart sensor?!), and I would say has chick nipples except no woman I’ve ever known on the coldest day in the most aroused state (Oregon) with nipple clamps stretching her across a room out could compete with this guy. It’s like he’s got 2 Pinnochios in his chest and their both saying, “Yeah, we invaded Iraq because of the WMDs.”

Lumbergh
Lumbergh
Bosses or anyone else in authority are lumped into this one character. MBA = Must Be an Asshole. Never met one with a lick of sense. Maybe if they tried working instead of feckin around with spreadsheets all day…
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Badonk
Badonk
She is the vixen I pine for, whoever she is. Could be the one hot coworker I have, or the killer bod on the elliptical in front of me, the stranger at happy hour who asks you to light her cigarette and dryly comments on your wedding ring. Oh, baby, she’s a home wrecker but so worth it. Scratch my itch, honey, if only for a moment.

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