Soul Patch

I got me a cameraphone.

patch — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 02:00:57 +0000

Not sure what possesses (can’t spell that one with all the e’s and s’s's…damn s”sss’s…damnit!) someone to snap their mug in the john. Maybe he sends it off to his lady friends and is like, “Hey baby, I use the big-boy toilet on the right. Yeah, that sweet little number back behind me there. You like? I can use the little one too if that’s what your into…” Crazy. Nice lighting, though.

Anyway, I’m not here to ridicule the photographic preferences of guys I may meet in the crapper someday, so chill out Cletus. Get goin’ now, your sister and baby are waiting for you at home. I’m really just testing the img tag and how it wraps text around in different themes.

Fucking stupid-ass coworker!

patch — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 01:23:24 +0000

Fucking stupid-ass coworker gets an assignment from the boss to rewrite the performance review worksheet and the dickhead does it so that none of us who currently do the job could qualify for it, let alone get the promotions we were hoping for. I may be in jail for awhile after I shove that bastard off the roof.

Why don’t you just go to —-

patch — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 14:43:21 +0000

Fill in the blank. I’m not gonna die having lived in the dullest part of the US (yes, there’s one or two places like that here) all my life. Need my paradigm shifted. My venue relocated. Monster’s calling, saying update the ol’ search agents. What should I put in there for desired cities (or countries)? I don’t like extreme temp’s, bugs, reptiles, or belt buckles as a fashion statement. Your turn. Tell me where to go.

Pregnancy, self-service vasectomies, and the nightmare of placental delivery.

patch — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 21:22:53 +0000

What is it about pregnant women that is so attractive? I don’t ask that like, “OMG, if I see another bun in the oven I’m gonna snip myself right here in the Automotive aisle at Walmart.” I mean, “Yowza, that is one f-i-n-e lookin’ filly there!” Is it some primal awakening that says this one’s good for breeding? Is it the swelling breasts that show fertility and care and rearing ability? Is it that I’ve ~~enjoyed~~ stumbled across too many preggo porn sites?

Any way you crack this egg, it’s incredibly sensual to see a woman with that gonna-have-a-baby glow they get. Men, just don’t get caught on the receiving end of the delivery when the baby’s head starts crowning. That’s when you go quickly and willingly to the doc for a vasectomy because you NEVER want to see a vagina stretched to that size or shape EVER again. And if you had to see the placenta get delivered, just go kill yourself now. The nightmares, MY GOD, the nightmares! I thought she passed a kidney and nearly retched up an organ myself. Ahhhhh…fond memories.

I love British comedy. And sex.

patch — Sat, 12 Aug 2006 00:40:45 +0000

Innuendo. Double entendres. Sarcasm with an accent that makes you want to thank them for the insult. Trying to decide what to do tonight. Call up some of the crew? Probably. But what to do? Go out? Watch some Monty Python at my place? Austin hates that humor, but the chicks can bs in the kitchen all night anyway.

Come on Internet, be my magic 8-ball and tell me if Austin and I are gonna have some make-up sex tonight. Too much damn tension at work is rubbing me wrong, I think that’s why we’re scratching at each other. I just want to get that woman between the sheets and…wait, wtf am I telling you for? Just a bunch of creeps and “L”-osers like me online now instead of out partying. No chicks in sight, but game console nearby. Have another Red Bull for me, willya chief?

Alright, maybe you’re reading this after the weekend and you’re not a creep. How did you make out? Tell me what’s hot and happening in your corner of the globe.